Thư tình gửi một người – The Love Letter (66)

Thư tình gửi một người (66)

28/1/1966

Ánh,

Trong lúc Ánh đến đây thì anh còn ngồi bên phố cùng với Thích và Kha uống rượu.

Anh nghĩ về Ánh mà buồn. Buổi chiều trời trở gió lạnh và lá xanh rơi xuống thật nhiều trên phố. Chúng anh nói về cái chết đã cũ của Tôn Nữ Ái Trinh trên một chuyến bay – Ái Trinh là hôtesse de l’air(88) – Lần gặp cuối cùng trên chuyến bay đó Trinh xin anh bản Lời buồn thánh và portrait của anh do chính anh vẽ. Người chết đi rồi vẫn còn làm anh buồn khi nghĩ đến Ánh. Đời sống cũng phù du như vẻ phù du của hoa. Hãy đối xử khác hơn những kẻ bình thường.

Bây giờ anh không ước gì hơn là hãy cười với nhau mỗi lần gặp gỡ. Như một người Mỹ nhìn mình cười. Như những kẻ thù cười với nhau vì chất nhân loại còn sót lại. Người ngoại quốc sẽ gọi thái độ của Ánh với anh là “méchante”. Tiếng gọi đó như một lời trách móc thân thiết – méchanceté(89).

Mùa xuân này anh đã thấy nản lòng và ngủ mê man như một người ốm nặng. Bỗng dưng chúng mình xa lạ hẳn nhau.

Anh định im đi và không bày giải. Nhưng Ánh đã đến chiều nay cũng như anh đã có ý định nói cho Ánh nghe thật rõ một lần.

Anh có nghe từ lúc còn ở Đà Lạt Ánh nghi ngờ anh về Khánh Ly. Hoàn toàn là một lời tai tiếng không đâu cho anh. Bức thư anh đưa Ánh đọc hôm hè là của Lệ Thu. Lời nói trong thư hơi quá đáng nhưng không hề có “thần thoại” đó trong đời sống anh. Chắc rồi một ngày nào đó, khi trưởng thành hơn, Ánh sẽ được biện minh bằng chính cái nhìn khách quan vào anh.

Rồi cũng có ngày thấy rõ nhau hơn và đâm ra thương nhau. Bao giờ cũng có những giờ phút mặc khải muộn màng đó về đời sống của nhau.

Lâu nay vì không nhận thư của Ánh nên anh cũng ngừng viết vì nghĩ là Ánh đang bận rộn hay đang có một lo âu mới hoặc cần một nghỉ ngơi.

Anh vẫn mong về để nhìn lại Ánh để bù cho những lần đi Đà Lạt, Sài Gòn ngang qua những rừng cao su anh thường lờ mờ thấy thấp thoáng bóng dáng của Ánh tinh – trong trong những chớm cỏ xanh.

Mùa xuân này anh rơi về một vùng thảm khốc cộng thêm vào đó những bêu rêu của Ánh về anh với bạn bè Ánh. Nản và buồn. Trên đời sống già nua cằn cỗi này anh bắt đầu nhủ thầm với anh về phần số mình.

Thôi hãy ngừng những đùa bỡn về anh. Và hãy xem nhau như những kẻ vừa lớn lại trên một vùng hồng hoang mới của tình cảm.

Anh cũng mong nói chuyện với Ánh từ ngày về đây. Mùa xuân này chưa hề nói với Ánh, chưa hát cho Ánh nghe những bản về thần thoại quê hương và thân phận.

Qua lần chiến tranh này quê hương mình cũng sẽ trở lại với thuở hồng hoang. Anh nhìn về anh và thấy mình cũng sắp tàn rữa đi để chờ một ngày mới đến.

Đời sống không cần giãy bày nhưng anh đã giãi bày. Hãy cấm doán mình ít tàn nhẫn hơn vẻ khốc liệt của chiến tranh.

Trịnh Công Sơn

(88) Tiếp viên hàng không

(89) Độc ác – Tính độc ác

(English Version)

The Love Letter (66)

Author: Trịnh Công Sơn
Translation: Đặng Hoàng Lan

28/1/1966

Dear Ánh,

As you come here, I’m sitting across the street drinking with Thick and Kha.

It makes me sad to think of you. It’s cold in the afternoon and the roads are full of green leaves. We talk about the old death of Ton Nu Ai Trinh on a flight – Ai Trinh was a flight attendant. The last time I saw her, she asked for a copy of the song “Divine Loneliness” and the portrait that I had painted. Death always saddens me when I think of you. Life is also fleeting like the ephemeral look of flowers. Please treat yourself differently than ordinary people.

Now, all I want is for us to smile at each other every time we meet. It’s like an American gaze at us with a smile where enemies smile at each other because goodness always exists. Foreigners call your attitude to me “wicked “. This appeal sounds like a word of innermost wickedness.

This spring, I feel frustrated and sleep like a serious disease. All of a sudden, we’re completely strange to one another.

I intend to say nothing and not explain myself. But you came here this afternoon when I wanted to tell you clearly one time.

I heard that while I was in Da Lat, you doubted Khánh Ly’s relationship with me. It was a complete scandal for me. The letter I sent you last summer was Le Thu’s letter. The words in the letter are exaggerated, but I have no “myths” in my life. I’m sure someday, as you get older, you’ll be justified by an objective look at me.

One day, we’ll understand each other better and love one another more. There are always late revelations about our respective lives.

As I have not received your letter in a long time, I have also ceased to write. I understand that you are busy or have concerns that require a break.

Going from Dalat to Saigon and in return, passing through the rubber forests, I often vaguely see your pristine silhouette in the green grass.

I feel terrible this spring when you make me ashamed of your friends. I am frustrated and saddened. In this barren life, I’m beginning to talk about my destiny.

Please stop teasing me and consider us to be the ones who just grew up on a new love.

I can’t wait to speak to you as soon as I get back. This spring, I have neither told you nor sung on the legends and identity of our native country.

Following the war, our country will also return to the dawn of humanity. I’ll think about being on the verge of death, and I’ll wait for another day.

There is no need for life to be exposed, but I have expressed my feelings. We should forbid ourselves from being less cruel than the fierceness of war.

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Thư tình gửi một người – The Love Letter (66)

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